Church
Survey Finds 95% Of Evangelicals Don't Believe In God, Bible, Jesus

U.S.—According to a groundbreaking study of American evangelicals by researchers who research lots of things and probably know what they're talking about, over 95% of Americans who identify as evangelicals don't believe in God, The Bible, Jesus, The Trinity, salvation by grace through faith, or really anything else that distinguishes Christianity as a belief system. 

"We were shocked by our results," said lead researcher Leesa Pappalardo. "About 30% of respondents who identified as evangelical didn't even know what the word means. 12% thought it was a flavor of ice cream. 8% thought it was the name of a character from the movie Cats. However, we did discover there were many issues of wide agreement among evangelical Americans."

Some of the strongest areas of agreement included:

There are more than two genders - 83%

Orange man bad - 74%

America is the greatest country ever in the history of everything - 50%

America is a racist piece of garbage - 50%

The Last Jedi was the worst movie ever - 100%

Unfortunately, areas that many consider essential points of Christian doctrine didn't do so well:

Jesus is God - 3% 

God is God - 4%

The Bible is God's Word - .0032% 

Evangelical leaders expressed concern about these numbers and promised to address it as soon as the Financial Peace seminar, BLM rally, and marriage retreat are over.

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