NEW YORK, NY—Taylor Swift finally broke her long-standing unspoken rule of theological silence by coming out in support of amillennialism on her Instagram page Sunday.
Fans have long clamored for Swift to take a stand on eschatology, and they finally got their wish as the singer posted a lengthy defense of amillennial beliefs.
"I always have and always will support the eschatological system which best preserves the overarching theme of God's covenants throughout the Bible," she wrote, further decrying the "systemic church bias toward premillennialism" as "terrifying, sickening, and prevalent."
Dispensational scholars quickly condemned Swift for her position, calling her "just another elite, out-of-touch Hollywood liberal who denies the clear meaning of Scripture."
"Once again, we see how far outside the norm these wealthy libs are," said Pastor David Jeremiah of Shadow Mountain Community Church in El Cajon, California. "They don't understand politics, and they clearly don't understand theology."
Several prophecy experts even came forward to identify Taylor Swift as one of several demonic symbols in the book of Revelation, making new end times charts available on their online stores right away.
After public outcry, Swift clarified that her position also includes some preterist leanings.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.