MINAS TIRITH—An infamous terrorist duo has at long last been arrested for a long string of anti-orc hate crimes, sources at the Gondor Bureau Of Investigation confirmed Wednesday.
The pair has been accused of murdering vast swathes of the marginalized Orc people group in cold blood. Gimli, son of Glóin and Legolas "Greenleaf" of the Woodland Realm reportedly have at least 42 and 41 confirmed Orc murders, respectively. But authorities suspect there were hundreds more there are no records of. Legolas is even suspected of killing an Oliphaunt, though legal experts believe the murder of the majestic beast "still only counts as one."
"They were even keeping a 'kill count' in some kind of a sick game," said a GBI official smoking a pipe. He shook his head in disgust. "It's absolutely repulsive. The Orc peoples have long been ostracized, and these two not only incited violence against them but partook in the wholesale slaughter of the poor, defenseless goblins."
Gondor investigators believe the pair may have had help.
"Frankly, between you and me," the official said, lowering his voice, "this could go all the way to the top—that's right, up to King Aragorn himself." The source suggested that Aragorn may have participated in the hate crimes in person, charging right into innocent Orc armies' battle lines and slaughtering hundreds.
"But you didn't hear it from me," he added, snuffing out his pipe and disappearing into the winding alleys of Minas Tirith.