Valentine's Day is almost here, and you're running out of time to make it a special day for that special lady in your life. Luckily, we here at The Babylon Bee are experts in romance. This is the definitive list of gifts your sweetheart is 100% guaranteed to love. Prepare to win this Valentine's Day! You'll thank us later.
- GameStop shares: Is there anything more romantic than sticking it to Wall Street on Valentine's Day? No! Plus, you can teach your girl about holding onto that stock with "diamond hands." Women love diamond stuff.
- Nothing: Women are turned off by men who get suckered by commercial holidays. If she tells you V-Day isn't a big deal, then don't sweat it. Don't get her anything. You'll be totally fine.*
- Pokemon cards: Women like cute little animals. Get her a deck of these and she'll be glad she "caught" you!
- Gorilla Glue: We're told this is the hottest hair care product on the market right now.
- Finance a $60,000 car: Make a major financial decision without talking to her first. Women love surprises. Buy a Lexus and put a bow on it in the driveway, just like the commercials!
- Rose petal trail to a brand new lawnmower: Let your soulmate sleep well at night knowing you have all the tools you need for a great-looking lawn. She'll never forget the day she followed a trail of rose petals to a shiny new John Deere!
- Gaming PC: Women love it when their men build things around the house. Let her watch you build a gaming PC in your living room! She'll find you irresistible.
- Crock-Pot: Your mom wanted one; chances are your lady wants one too!
- Bowling ball with your name engraved on it: Every time she sees it on the shelf, she'll be reminded of what a sexy beast she married.
- Peloton exercise bike: There's no way she'll take this the wrong way.
- Broccoli: Broccoli is technically a flower. Did you know that? And it's the healthiest flower you can give that special someone this year! While every other guy is giving his girl boring roses, show your woman you care about her daily fiber and vitamin intake-- with broccoli.
- A pillow corresponding to her political beliefs: If she's a good Christian woman, get her a MyPillow. If she's a commie, you can get her a David Hogg Good Pillow.
- Babylon Bee subscription: Women love a man who can make them laugh-- with moderately funny political satire. A gift you can both enjoy!
Happy Valentines Day!
(*The Babylon Bee is not responsible for any dismemberment or death)