Liberals and conservatives don’t see eye to eye on much (except how terrible pineapple pizza is). But there aren’t many issues that bring as much heated debate as the conversation over immigration laws and how our country should deal with illegal immigrants.
In this brief article, we’ll explain all the important facts from the only two viewpoints you’re allowed to have:
What do the two sides believe?
Liberals: Let everyone come to America. And we mean everyone: terrorists? Come on in. Murderers? Right this way, please. The Borg want to show up and assimilate all of us? Well, put out the fine china and let’s throw a welcome party.
Conservatives: Let nobody come to America. If conservatives had their way, the entirety of the American population would be 17 rednecks living in a fort in Alabama watching NASCAR. THE MASTER RACE MUST BE PRESERVED.
How do we secure our borders?
Liberals: I’m sorry, did you say ‘BORDERS?’ TRIGGEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREDDDD!!!
Conservatives: We need common-sense border enforcement, such as a 700-foot-high ice wall guarded by knights sworn to defend our land to the death. Also a moat with sharks maybe.
How do we deal with illegal immigrants once they’re here?
Liberals: Deport them from the streets of America to government-funded housing, with free internet, food, healthcare, and a subsidized account to their favorite MMO.
Conservatives: Shoot on sight.
How should we respond when an illegal commits a crime?
Liberals: If it’s revealed that a criminal might have been here illegally, immediately stop talking about the crime. Don’t report on it, don’t mention it—pretend it never happened. In fact, you could blame the crime on white supremacy or something while you’re at it.
Conservatives: Loudly complain that no one is reporting on the crime, even though it’s literally all over every single news network in the country. Point out the scientific fact that only illegals commit crimes, and that no American has ever so much as hurt a fly or a Native American or anyone in the Middle East.
What terms should we use to refer to illegal immigrants?
Liberals: Undocumented heroes, victims of border law oppression, saviors of America.
Conservatives: We can’t post most of the terms they use to refer to illegal immigrants. We are a Christian site, for goodness’ sake.
Now that you’re informed, go ahead and pass this article on to others so they can become as intelligent as you. Only you can elevate our nation’s level of discourse on immigration!
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.