ATLANTA, GA—In a revelation both shocking and not really all that surprising to some, Third Day lead singer Mac Powell has been exposed as actually having been Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder in disguise his entire career. The truth came out when Powell’s band member Mark Lee entered the dressing room unannounced, only to find alternative rock legend Vedder hastily squeezing into his Mac Powell bodysuit.
“At first I thought Eddie Vedder had somehow devoured Mac’s insides and was some kind of demon who hollows people out, but then he came clean and explained that he created the Mac Powell secret identity back in the early 90’s right after Pearl Jam’s album Ten went platinum and he secretly found Christ,” Lee explained.
According to Lee, Vedder claimed he felt he had to retain his far-left atheist persona and continue making albums with Pearl Jam in order to keep raking in the cash. He used much of that cash to construct Mac Powell, a latex bodysuit with hipster glasses and cool facial hair. “Experts designed Powell to be the perfect mixture of church guy and grunge rock, something teens were longing for in the days when bands like Nirvana and Pearl Jam were off limits for teens with strict Christian parents.”
Vedder’s plan was to take his talent and use it for Christ, and then, when Third Day surpassed Pearl Jam in success, Vedder would disappear and go full-Powell, spreading worship and gospel music across the land to make up for Pearl Jam. “But that never happened because Third Day was always perceived as sort of a Christian rip-off of Pearl Jam, which, I guess kind of all makes sense now,” said Third Day’s disappointed manager, Marlon Phillips.
How Third Day and Pearl Jam will proceed is yet to be determined. While some have suggested combining the bands into a single band called “Pearl Day” or “Third Jam,” many industry experts believe there is not enough crossover for the fans to accept the tone and worldview of the two groups. However, other experts say Eddie Vedder fans are willing to accept literally anything he produces and claims is music. “Vedder could release an album of armpit farts and his fans would rave about its depth and perfection for decades,” said record producer Sammy Jenkins. “If he released the Third Day songs under his name, his fans would most likely find some unintended meaning in the religious lyrics and embrace them just as readily.”
Neither Vedder or Powell could be reached for comment.
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