WASHINGTON, D.C.—A scream erupted this morning from the Bolton household when former national security advisor John Bolton woke up to find his mustache lying dead beside him, a dagger pierced straight through his beloved friend. “No! Why?! Why?!” an inconsolable Bolton cried as police and paramedics arrived on the scene. There was nothing they could do, though, as everyone agreed it would just look weird if they tried to put it back on him with spirit gum.
It is unknown who murdered Bolton’s mustache and what the exact motives are, but many have taken this as a threat to Bolton for his new book in which he details how Trump pressured Ukraine on the Biden investigation. “The target is Bolton,” said Representative Adam Schiff, “and innocent facial hair just happened to get caught in the crossfire.”
President Trump has dismissed this suggestion. “Maybe someone thought it was a rat, if you know what I mean,” Trump told the press. “Anyway, I bet he looks good without a mustache.” This is unknown, though, as Bolton is reportedly wearing an Elephant Man-type hood until his mustache grows back.