ANCIENT MESOPOTAMIA—According to sources close to Noah, the biblical figure was surprised by a time traveler from the year 2020 while making final preparations on his ark.
The man introduced himself as a secret agent working for the United States government. He said he'd come to make sure Noah killed the bats or at least made sure they never made it on the ark in the first place.
"Please -- there's no time to explain -- but you can't let those bats get on the ark!" he said. "The fate of humanity depends on it."
"What? Why?" Noah asked.
The time traveler sighed and then tried to describe how bats possibly caused the coronavirus outbreak in 2020. Noah was pretty confused by that but was mostly bewildered by the details leading up to the outbreak, like what a computer is and the popularity of grunge music. He also couldn't quite understand why people would willingly drink soy milk and kombucha in the future.
Seeing that this whole conversation was a waste of time, the time traveler got back in his DeLorean and set off for 4,000 B.C. to see if Adam and Eve would do the job.