If you’re like the majority of American Christians, your testimony’s just plain boring. You were raised in a Christian home, accepted Christ at a young age, were made alive with Christ by the saving power of God, blah blah blah.
What you need is a few extra details—”alternative facts,” if you will—to spice up your testimony.
Luckily, we at The Babylon Bee are ready to help! Feel free to use any of these wonderful tips the next time you’re asked to tell others how you “got saved,” and bask in the awe-struck wonder of your fellow Christians as they realize how much cooler your testimony is than theirs.
1.) Tell people you got saved in prison. Stories of people who got saved in prison are automatically much cooler than people who met Christ at a church service or growing up in a Christian home. Tell people you got saved while in the slammer for immediate bonus points.
2.) Get a tattoo. How will people know just how far from Christ you were if you don’t have a single tattoo somewhere on your person? Get some ink—preferably something visible while wearing a T-shirt—and everyone you meet will immediately assume you have a nefarious past.
3.) Include a miraculous event in your conversion story. So the Creator of the universe sent his Son to die for your sins, elected you from eternity past to be blameless in his sight, and converted you from death to life based on His own merit? Well, all that’s moot unless you saw an otherworldly vision, heard the audible voice of God, or had a vivid dream from which you woke up trembling and ready to give your life to Christ on the spot.
4.) Lace your testimony with profanity. Strategically sprinkle some F-bombs throughout your story, so people know you’re legit. Also be sure to pretend not to know any big theological words, so people won’t suspect you simply grew up in a Christian home.
5.) Tell your story in spoken word poetry. Calmly telling people what Christ did for you is so last millennium. Instead, dim the lights and start performing your well-rehearsed spoken word piece, complete with dramatic pauses and vigorous hand motions, you feel me? Everyone will be totally floored by your salvation story, made all the more awesome as they’re gettin’ jealous of your rhyme routine.
6.) Continuously stress how bad you used to be. Sure, everyone is a depraved rebel to God by nature, according to the Bible. But for your testimony to really stick, you need to repeatedly knock your audience over the head with how bad you were before you knew Jesus. For best effect, be vague and allude to the horrid details with head shakes and pained facial expressions.
7.) Be creative—remember, the only limit is your imagination. Your testimony is only as exciting as your imagination allows it to be. Drop all the boring elements and turn things up to 11, and you’ll be the talk of your church in no time. Isn’t that what giving your testimony is all about?
Great ideas, huh? Better print this list out and have it at the ready next time you get called on to tell the story of how God saved you by His grace!
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.