TOKYO—Women's sports are in danger as transwomen continue to dominate their biological female competitors. To fight this, a conservative lobbyist group has successfully petitioned the International Olympic Committee to add a new sport: competitive child birthing.
The sport will see how fast and effectively competitors can push out children, with entrants being graded on technique, form, speed, and loudness of screams. As a compromise for transgender rights, men who identify as women will still be allowed to compete in the sport, but are not expected to do very well.
"Yeah, men who identify as women are totally welcome," said IOC spokesperson Lenny Bento. "We aren't going to discriminate. They're welcome to come out and compete on this even playing field. We'll give them the full child birthing routine, what with the coaching and the yelling and the screaming."
"They won't get any points if they don't push out a baby, though."
"Go, Megan, go!" shouted the crowd during the qualifier as U.S.A. fan favorite Megan Miller pushed out her third triplet. "You got this! Push! Push!" The crowd erupted in cheers as she pushed out a round-record 11-pound baby, sending her to the Olympics. She did get dinged though as one of her nurses fumbled the baby.
Meanwhile, several women on the Russian team have been disqualified after testing positive for epidurals.
In preliminary qualifying rounds, not a single transgender woman qualified for the main event, strangely enough.