HELL—In a somewhat ironic move to ensure maximum suffering among the people there, Hell has announced its film library will only contain Christian movies going forward.
The movies will be remastered and available on Blu-Ray and 4K formats, so people in Hell will have to watch them in all their horrifying detail. Occupants of the place of fire and brimstone will get to check out as many films as they want to for an unlimited period of time. They will be given high-definition televisions and comfy home theatre seating and state of the art sound systems. But then they will only be able to watch Left Behind, Courageous, Facing the Giants, and approximately 476,200 different Pure Flix originals.
"We thought about having really good movies but just having them buffering for eternity," said one spokesperson for Hell. "But this is even better: you can watch as many movies as you want, but they're all Christian films."
"Muahahahahaha!" he added.
The spokesperson also confirmed that's why the Bible refers to "weeping and gnashing of teeth": those are the sounds of people watching God's Not Dead 2.
At publishing time, spokespeople for the new heaven and the new earth confirmed that Christian films will be banned in the place of eternal paradise.