WASHINGTON, D.C.—After such an arduous confirmation hearing in which Justice Brett Kavanaugh was accused of sexual assault, gang rape, being an alcoholic, and having a really lame high school yearbook, it has been decided that Kavanaugh will get two votes on the Supreme Court, giving him twice as much sway as any other Justice.
"Yeah, it only seemed fair," said Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer. "I mean, we really razzed him good—especially with the gang rape stuff—but he stuck with it, so I guess he deserves a reward. Two votes seems like the least we can do."
"Plus we now know we can really trust his judgment," add Democratic Senator Dianne Feinstein. "After all those FBI investigations, technically he's the now the one person in the country we can be most assured never sexually assaulted anyone."
It's unknown if Kavanaugh has any hard feelings, but he says he'll use his increased sway on the Supreme Court to "uphold an originalist interpretation of the Constitution" and to "take vengeance on my mortal foes."