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So, um, some people did something, and now CNN's Primetime slot is empty! Oh no! While we are extremely sad to see the brilliant and legendary Chris Cuomo go, there are a ton of great candidates out there who would do a great job filling his shoes! Here are the top ten possible replacements for Chris Cuomo:
#1) Jussie Smollett: He has vast experience using fake news to gin up racial hatred. A perfect fit!
#2) Ghislaine Maxwell: For her skill in protecting serial sex predators.
#3) Luigi from Super Mario Brothers: The Primetime slot has been traditionally filled by a proud Italian-American. It should be given to another Italian.
#4) A bowl of fettuccine: Another Italian classic, albeit with a slightly higher I.Q. than Cuomo.
#5) Brian Stelter: Because it's high time this position was filled by a woman.
#6) One of those recorded messages from the airport loudspeaker that tells everyone where to find the bathrooms and newsstands: Would still provide more useful information than your average CNN host.
#7) Kamala Harris: Since she's not currently doing anything.
#8) A Pfizer sales rep: Might as well hear your typical CNN news straight from the source for once!
#9) A female CNN intern: She could spend each night telling lurid stories of all the unspeakably gross stuff that happens at CNN every day! Guaranteed ratings boost!
10) Tucker Carlson: The universe would implode.
We can't wait to see what CNN has in store for us!
NOT SATIRE: The Media Research Center is taking down Fake News liars like Chris Cuomo and CNN "reporters". The MRC is the ONLY conservative organization dedicated to holding the media accountable and exposing the truth.
We CANNOT let the media determine our elections, pass their agenda, and censor conservatives.
I have an End-of-Year fundraising goal of raising $10,000 from Babylon Bee readers. Please send your donation before our deadline! I am counting on Bee readers to help MRC expose more Fake news liars like Chris Cuomo in 2022.
Founder and President
Media Research Center