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Trump Announces America+

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a press conference Monday, President Trump unveiled a new, premium offering: America Plus.

The program will hide some of the most popular American institutions, services, national parks, and states behind a paywall.

"For just $9.99 a month, you get access to the best America has to offer," Trump said of the new premium service. "Believe me, this is great stuff. All the bad stuff in America will remain free, but the good stuff is gonna cost you. But believe me, you're gonna want to subscribe. Only losers don't subscribe. They're very sad people."

Rolling out early next year, the service is already being called "a must-have," "tremendous," and "the best service maybe ever" by an anonymous White House source. The source also said President Trump is "an incredibly handsome guy" and "a very, very high-IQ individual."

Americans who do opt out of America+ will be asked to move to California.

Breaking: Paypal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.

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