CLEVELAND, OH—Beginning his time on stage Thursday evening by asking attendees to join hands as he called for a moment of silence, Donald Trump proceeded to deliver a solemn eulogy of the Republican Party to cap off the 2016 Republican National Convention.
“We gather here tonight, first of all, to pay our respects, and to lay to rest the Grand Old Party, gone from us at age 162,” he said. “Since a great man, Abraham Lincoln, was the first Republican President, it only seems fitting that an even greater man, Donald J. Trump—me—officially bid it farewell, and see it off to the eternal campaign in the sky.”
After showing a video clip of the slaying and burying of an old, wounded elephant, set to the tune of Amazing Grace played on the bagpipes, Trump continued.
“I am grateful that the late Republican Party, in its violent death throes, saw fit to pass the baton to me, and I look forward to wielding the full force of its influence as I lead America into the future.”
“And now that we’ve gotten all that out of the way,” he bellowed, pausing as the crowd erupted into frantic cheers, “It’s Trump time, baby!”