U.S.—In response to criticism of the alleged shadow ban of certain right-leaning accounts on the platform, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey apologized Friday for allowing conservatives on the platform in the first place.
The visibly distraught CEO openly wept as he expressed his great remorse for ever having allowed conservatives to open accounts and let their worldview “just hang out there for the whole world to see.”
“Twitter has always been a welcoming, accepting place, so there’s obviously no room for anyone even slightly right of center,” Dorsey said. “I see that now. I’ve learned and grown from my experiences, and I hope the far-left mobs can find it in their hearts to forgive me rather than demanding I be fired on the spot.”
“I’m so, so sorry.”
Representatives for the teeming horde of angry liberals on the platform confirmed they would accept Dorsey’s apology, so long as he vows to “do better” and support the firing and public lynching of any person found to have espoused conservative views on his platform at any point in the past.