AUSTIN, TX—Donald Trump is stirring controversy after a recent appearance on Joe Rogan’s podcast in which both of them got completely stoned. In the newly released video, Trump and Rogan are seen talking for over seven hours while smoking an entire bag of weed. During the seven-hour conversation, in which Trump’s demeanor and speaking style never changed even though he was blitzed out of his gourd, they talked about everything from immigration policy to the reality that cosmic particles from other galaxies are always invisibly pelting our scalps and no one really talks about it.
“I got this stuff in Mexico like 30 minutes ago,” said Rogan. “You ever hear of Mexico? It’s a country. Cool place, I’ve been there. These blunts are actually rolled in ancient Aztec ceremonial tobacco leaves. I can get you some if you want. Ever hear of the Aztecs? Those dudes were CRAZY, man”
Rogan casually lit one up and showed it to the president. “You’re probably not allowed to smoke these, are you? I’m allowed to smoke them because I’m Joe Freaking Rogan. Too bad for you.”
“Gimme that!” Trump replied. “I’ll smoke that. I can smoke anything. I’ve smoked some of the best blunts in the world. Better blunts than this, probably, I don’t know, we'll see.”
Trump grabbed the massive blunt and inhaled the whole thing in one breath.
“This is really great Joe, really, really great. I gotta ask you, do my hands look huge to you? Now watch when I wave them back and forth. Blurry, but basically the same size. I’ve never had a problem in that area. It’s crazy how something can be big and blurry because it’s moving so so fast, but your brain tells you it’s the same size. It’s like your brain really knows what’s going on. My brain knows what’s going on. Always. Say is that a bong?”
Trump grabbed the bong from Rogan’s hands and smoked it before drinking the bong water and chasing it with a can of Diet Coke. “Hey man, you may not wanna do that. Not sure if it’s a good idea.” Rogan said, starting to look concerned.
“I’m fine, it’s fine. Everything’s fine. Wow can I have another blunt? Good, really good blunt. Those Mexicans really are fine people. Fine people. I say let them all in. They need to grow this stuff here in America. Say Joe, did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny? No? Neither did I, I was just asking.”
Trump’s phone immediately began buzzing with notifications as Mike Pence texted him asking him what in the world he was doing.
Joe motioned to the phone. “Hey man, you gonna answer those?”
“It’s OK Joe, that’s just my best friend Mike Pence. He’s a Christian so he probably doesn’t smoke marijuana like I do. I mean, I’m a Christian too, maybe even a better Christian than Pence, I don’t know, we'll see.”
In a press conference, Nancy Pelosi expressed outrage that Trump would consume something lame and trashy like cannabis, instead of a classy drug like cocaine as she and all the other politicians do. She has launched an investigation into whether Trump was told by Putin to smoke blunts on Joe Rogan.