TEXAS—As the Democrats were distracted at the impeachment hearings this week, President Trump took advantage of the opportunity to fly down to the border and hurriedly complete construction of his wall.
Trump got the idea when he walked out from the White House and noticed that no press members were following him everywhere with cameras and frantically spinning everything he said. "I just enjoyed a nice walk in the garden," he said, shrugging. "Then I asked that Pence guy, 'Hey, Matt! Where are the media?' He told me his name was Mike, but that the media was all covering the impeachment hearings."
"Then I had a fantastic idea---the best idea, maybe ever: let's go finish the wall while everyone's over on Capitol Hill." Trump and Pence got into a two-person cow costume and moseyed over to Air Force One, jumping aboard with no one the wiser. They flew down to the border and completed construction in just 48 hours.
"Democrats are too busy looking into 'CORRUPTION' to notice that I'm down here finishing up the wall I promised---SAD!" Trump tweeted. Usually, his tweets would be analyzed by the press, providing hundreds of hours of content for CNN and other news networks. But since everyone was focused on the hearing, the tweet only got 3 retweets and 2 likes, not tipping off anyone to Trump's master plan.
At publishing time, Trump had also deported every illegal immigrant in the country, disarmed North Korea, and locked Hillary Clinton up before anyone noticed he was gone.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.