WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump has announced his New Year's resolution: to continue to be as great as he always is.
“This is an extremely important resolution because this country depends on my superior presidenting,” Trump explained in a press conference. “If I am anything less than the superb excellence I always am, millions could die.”
Trump says he knows his resolution will be controversial since, by his understanding, he was impeached in 2019 for being “too awesome a president,” but Trump vows to continue to be that awesome in 2020, even if it leads to a second impeachment. “I just love the country too much to be anything less than as great as I always am.”
To help with this resolution, Trump plans to read some self-maintaining books to help continue to be as good as he is. He does not plan to read any self-improvement books, though, since being any better than he already is “is not humanly possible.”
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