WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to stunned witnesses at the White House yesterday, President Trump somehow managed to feed an entire multitude with just five Quarter Pounders and two Filet-O-Fish sandwiches, miraculously multiplying the food until there was enough to go around for the entire Clemson football team.
Worried aides had rushed to Trump's side and informed him there wasn't enough food for the visiting national champions. "Go and ask if anyone packed a lunch," Trump instructed them, but all they were able to find was a bag of week-old McDonald's food in Trump's desk.
Trump quietly knelt and thanked the Lord for the sack containing just five cheeseburgers and two fish sandwiches he'd stowed away in case he got hungry, blessed the food, and then told his aides to begin laying the food out on the table.
The White House staffers were shocked to find the sack continued to produce food, with more and more Quarter Pounders, Big Macs, fish sandwiches, fries, and McNuggets coming forth in a great bounty from on high.
"It's a great miracle," Trump told reporters. "The best. The old miracles in the Bible, they just had bread, no burgers." He shrugged. "How do you eat bread without a fabulous McDonald's patty and a little mayo? Sounds good, doesn't work."
At publishing time, sources had confirmed aides collected over 12 takeout bags of cheeseburgers, on which Trump quickly called "dibs."
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