WASHINGTON, D.C.—Lying ill in the White House, Trump weakly asked for a pen and paper. Once these had been retrieved for him, he wrote out his dying wish -- just in case the worst should happen -- canceling out Ruth Bader Ginsburg's dying wish.
"I, Donald Trump, your favorite president, hereby state that my dying wish is for Amy Coney Barrett to be confirmed to the Supreme Court," Trump wrote as friends and family looked on somberly. "She's a great nominee. The best, maybe ever. That Kavanaugh guy was alright, he was pretty good. But Barrett is the real deal."
Legal scholars frantically tried to find a loophole so the nation could honor Ginsburg's dying wish but not the president's, but unfortunately for them, the plan was foolproof. "We are forced to honor this as legitimate," they said. "There's no way around it. Since we accepted Ginsburg's dying wishes as constitutional law, now Trump's are also legitimate. Should have thought that one through."
At publishing time, Trump had further wished for infinite dying wishes.