WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump has retaliated against the release of Asian murder hornets with newly developed kamikaze bears.
Trump deployed the bears all across Asia Tuesday morning, laughing maniacally as the aggressive predators who will definitely kill you charged into China exploding themselves wherever they could.
The bears are flung from aircraft carriers and fly into their targets, frightening people because they're friggin' bears and then exploding everybody to death. They have been trained to roar, "AMERICA, SON!" as they approach their target, striking even more fear into the hearts of their foes.
"What's better than hornets? Bears. Kamikaze bears. The best bears, maybe ever," Trump said as he unveiled six of the kamikaze bears, the deadliest biological weapon in American history. "Who's a good bear? You are. That's right. Bears! The best! Everyone says so!"
Members of the press slowly backed away from the large, aggressive predators, but it was too late. "Why don't we try this out on the media?" Trump said. "Bears, attack!"
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.