WASHINGTON, D.C.—After a tough week dealing with several national crises, meeting with victims, and just generally making America great again, President Donald Trump rewarded himself for his good work with a "World's Best President" mug from the White House gift shop, sources confirmed Friday.
"People say I'm the best president," Trump said. "They go, 'We've never had a country as great as this one. You're a great man and you really are making America great again.' Really. All the best people say things like this."
He then held up his new "World's Best President" mug. "I think that pretty much sums it up."
Trump did become angry when "that darn prankster Mike Pence" put his mug in Jello, but his spirits were again lifted when he had Pence call in Secretary of State Mike Pompeo to fake-fire him.
"Classic!" Trump said as Pompeo left the room weeping.
At publishing time, sources had confirmed that Trump had sent a free "World's Best President" mug to all of the families affected by the mass shootings this week.