PORTLAND, OR—President Trump has found a brilliant solution to two of our nation's most concerning problems: hornets and Commies. The president ordered his federal police to round up all the murder hornets and relocate them to Portland.
Many people are calling the tactic the "most brilliant strategic solution of all time" and saying that it's a perfect example of "killing two birds with one stone."
"Release the hornets," Trump said at a strategy meeting this morning. "You know, I've always wanted to say that. You'd think I would have had the opportunity by now, but no. It's sad, really. The president should get to say that way more often. Anyway, I'm glad the day has finally come. Release the hornets, I say! Ha. See? It's fun. Hey, Mike, you want to say it too?"
The vice president shook his head, stone faced.
"Alright, well, suit yourself."
As protesters threw fireworks and bricks and shot high-powered lasers at federal officers, they heard a low hum rising over the horizon. They looked on, horrified, as a swarm of murder hornets descended on the crowd. "Not the bees! Not the bees!" screamed one man as he booked it.
"Actually, they're not bees, they're hornets," another protester corrected him as they ran. "You've mis-speciesed them. Do better."