DEARBORN, MI—Local and national media outlets are criticizing President Trump after he blatantly disregarded social distancing protocol while diving in front of a speeding train to save a baby who had fallen on the tracks. According to eyewitnesses, a crowd watched in horror as Trump, who was not wearing a mask, ignored social distancing to grab the baby with his germy hands and leap out of the way of the oncoming train just seconds before being smashed.
"This deranged president just continues to dangerously violate social distancing guidelines," said CNN anchor Chris Cuomo. "He is clearly a sociopath. He is clearly not well. Only a crazy dummy bad meanie person would pick up a baby with germy hands in the middle of a global pandemic."
U.S. Representative Rashida Tlaib also condemned the president's actions. "I am clueless as to why Trump would do something so stupid," she yelled to a group of Palestinian communist abortion activists. "It was just a baby anyway, not even a real person. And the baby was a suspected zionist. Trump's blatant disregard for COVID procedures in saving this zionist baby is clearly a racist dog-whistle. We must impeach."
"How about that save, huh?" Trump said to the media after the incident. "That baby- not a scratch on him! Not a scratch! Perfect save. I told you my hands were big. They saved a baby. You don't have to thank me. Seriously, you don't have to thank me. But you can thank me if you want. Feel free to thank me."
Sources say the baby is fine, but a little annoyed that his life was saved by anti-science racist Donald Trump. The child has been reunited with his mother, and they will both be in COVID isolation for 3 years just to be safe.
CNN is currently looking into the baby's old tweets and investigating rumors that Trump later punched the baby in the Oval Office.
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