CHARLOTTE, NC—The excitement was palpable at the Republican National Convention Monday night as Trump addressed the crowd, reaching a fever pitch as the president revealed that everyone had a "special surprise" waiting for them under their seats.
"But wait -- there's more," said Trump as he wrapped up his speech. The crowd waited with bated breath. "If you'll all reach under your seats right now, you'll find your very own MyPillow and a can of Goya beans, absolutely free!"
The crowd screamed in delight and scrambled to get their free stuff. Several fights and scuffles broke out over who got which kind of beans, with many Republicans looking to trade away their black beans for the more preferable white ones. One man pulled out his AR-15 and fired it into the air several times to ward other attendees away from the giant fort of MyPillows he had constructed.
"You get a MyPillow! And you get a MyPillow! Everybody gets a MyPilloooow!!!" Trump shouted in delirious delight as the wild frenzy continued.
Tonight, attendees will receive a free six-pack of Trader Jose's Premium Lager.