WASHINGTON, D.C.—A new report out of the White House Friday indicated that Trump will be replacing outgoing Secretary of Defense James Mattis with Trumpy Bear.
While "Mad Dog" Mattis has clashed with Trump over the withdrawal of troops from Middle Eastern nations and other foreign policy disputes, Trumpy Bear is said to have no such problems.
"Mattis said I needed to pick someone who sees eye to eye with me on foreign policy, and I've found just the fella," Trump said at a press conference. "Trumpy Bear is huggable, lovable, and fun. He never argues. He never disagrees with me. And he looks good, doesn't he? Just check the little guy out. Very attractive."
The small minority of Americans opposed to foreign wars reportedly supported the move, stating that Trumpy Bear should do far less damage to the Middle East than other, more conventional choices. However, Republicans and Democrats both warned Trump that Trumpy Bear cannot be relied upon to make important military decisions in a crisis, because he is a stuffed bear.
At publishing time, sadly, Trumpy Bear had announced he would not be taking the position after all, as he does not want to damage his reputation.