CALIFORNIA—To help meet the demand of millions of people desperately trying to escape the dark, ravaged wasteland of California, U-Haul is introducing a new product in its moving van line-up: the War Rig. These weaponized, armored moving vehicles will ensure you and your belongings stay safe during the long and perilous journey out of the state.
"We knew it was time to introduce some more serious vehicles to our fleet," said local U-Haul franchise owner Glax Destroyer, who manages 12 locations in Southern California. "We brought in the War Rig to supplement our completely depleted fleet of moving vans. With everyone leaving in droves, we don't have much left. We're pretty much salvaging old trucks from the junkyard and then adding armor plating and mounted weapons."
Sources confirm that each War Rig will comfortably seat a traditionally-sized California family of one person. They boast a fuel economy of 6 miles per gallon of guzzoline, which the U-Haul location will provide.
"I live! I die! I live again!" cried one patriarch as he led his family through the desert and toward Arizona in one of the new U-Haul War Rigs. "Witness me!"
Mr. Destroyer encourages customers to come early to secure their rigs before his power goes out and everything bursts into flames.