NASHVILLE, TN—Relevant Neo-logians of America (RNA) released their newest version of the Bible this week, and one addition in particular is causing major waves. “With the rise of female entrepreneurship in the 21st century, we felt the ‘Proverbs 31 woman’ needed an update,” said RNA’s spokesperson. “I mean, what even is a ‘distaff?’”
The latest version includes the selling of essential oils, replacing Proverbs 31:19—“She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle”—with “She purchases her Young Living orders in prudence, and encourages her downline with joy.”
“This is so affirming for me,” essential oils distributor, Pamela Huntington, remarked. “I’ve
always felt like I’m the aroma of Christ, but now I know for sure.”
Women’s groups across the country have voiced their approval of the addendum, citing its
implications for multi-level marketers of all kinds. “The Word of God is living and active—and we are living for this new, active version of Proverbs 31!” said Cindy Grates, President of Womentrepreneurs for Christ. “With God in our upline, nothing can stand in our way.”
RNA has added several modern phrases to the version, including, “Blessed are the super
intentional” to the Beatitudes in Matthew and “wokeness” to the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians.