RICHMOND, VA—Embattled Democrats in Virginia announced Monday that they would only resign from their positions if they're caught in "a real scandal like getting photographed wearing a Make America Great Again hat or something really bad like that."
"Look, let's try to keep things in perspective here: all we've done is wear blackface, advocate for infanticide, and allegedly assault some women," said Lieutenant Governor Justin Fairfax. "It's not like we were seen wearing a MAGA hat or something."
Governor Ralph Northam agreed, stating that he'd be the first to step aside if a real scandal broke, like if they were seen wearing a Make America Great Again hat or supporting literally anything President Trump has done.
"Who among us hasn't dressed up in racist costumes and posed with people in KKK garb?" he said at the press conference. "All I'm saying is we need to let cooler heads prevail here. Remember when we were all angry about those Catholic kids wearing the MAGA hats? I call on all Americans to get riled up about something like that again and forget about us for a while."
"Let he who hasn't argued for killing a baby cast the first stone," he concluded.
Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee
After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.