DES MOINES, IA—There's drama afoot in the Democratic primary. Wanting to bury the tomahawk, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders walked over to Elizabeth Warren after this week's debate to have a pow-wow. Having researched Warren's culture extensively, Sanders produced an authentic Cherokee peace pipe he'd purchased on eBay for $14.99 after his grandkids showed him how to use eBay.
"How!" Sanders said, reading off some notes he'd scribbled on his hand. "I offer you peace pipe as token of friendship. Big anger go away into sky." Sanders then made the shape of a bird with his hands and pantomimed it flying away, symbolizing their feud disappearing like the spirit of a buffalo moving on to join its ancestors.
But Warren slapped the peace pipe out of his hands and crossed her arms, a sign of rejection in her culture. "No peace pipe. You have angered the Great Spirit. Leave at once, paleface." A crestfallen Sanders backed away slowly to go ask his grandkids about eBay's return policy.
Warren was reportedly conflicted over the exchange, though, wanting to open herself up to Sanders's friendship but not wanting to betray her culture. She is seeking advice from Grandmother Willow.