Church
Wayward Church Member Sentenced To 72 Continuous Hours Of Christian Movies

SAN JOSE, CA—A church disciplinary hearing has sentenced local woman Jeanette Foster to a punishment of having to watch a continuous loop of various Christian movies for 72 hours in a row, sources confirmed Tuesday.

The discipline was stated to be the result of a variety of offenses, and intended as “a strong but necessary penalty that will hopefully lead to her repentance.”

While Foster had readily admitted her guilt, she then argued for a lesser sentence of four weeks on the welcome committee or perhaps three straight hours of Christian pop music.

As the decision was handed down, Foster herself remained stoic, only staring idly down at her hands, but her family immediately burst into tears, according to sources.

“We’re not saying she’s an angel. She made her own choices,” Foster’s mother said between sobs at a press conference after the hearing. “But this is cruel and unusual. No mom wants to see her little girl suffer an obscenely harsh sentence like being forced to digest ham-fisted dialogue and watch wooden acting for three straight days.”

“I can’t even fathom what that will do to her mind,” she added, before calling an early end to the press conference as her emotions overtook her.

According to sources from within the church, movies on tap for Foster’s incarceration include Heaven Is For RealA Thief in the NightChristian MingleFireproof, and dozens more.

Foster has been ordered to turn herself in to church deacons anytime in the next thirty days to carry out her sentence.

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