MENLO PARK, CA—Facebook finds itself in a new scandal, as a whistleblower, Alice Singleton, says she has been fired from the company for the mere act of blowing a whistle all the time while everyone is trying to program.
In one released email, an executive said, “I’m concerned that we have a whistleblower. There are rumors. Also, there’s this high-pitched whistling sound, and it’s super annoying.”
A programmer for Facebook, Lewis Klein, confirmed the concerns about a whistleblower. “There I am, trying really hard to concentrate as I’m debugging a recursive function in a multi-threaded environment,” said Klein, “and then there’s this ‘FWEEET!’ sound, and I just can’t concentrate. I told her to cut it out, but she says we can’t do anything about it because there are whistleblower laws.”
There are numerous laws that protect whistleblowers. Many call this crony capitalism, as the laws were enacted after lobbying by whistle manufacturers who were concerned they weren’t selling enough whistles because people weren’t allowed to blow whistles during work hours. Facebook, though, says that they fired Singleton for work performance reasons unrelated to her constantly blowing a whistle. Singleton disputes this.
“I came in on time every day and did great work,” said Singleton. “I never heard one complaint—at least not over the whistle I was constantly blowing every day for no reason.”
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.