WASHINGTON, D.C.—A courageous new whistleblower—whose first name is "Bernie" but who refused to reveal his full identity—has come forward to testify that capitalism is immoral, money is evil, and the government must now seize the means of production.
"I happen to believe... that America is evil, and bread lines are a good thing," said the brave new whistleblower to CNN, 60 Minutes, MSNBC, Good Morning America, The View, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, the New York Times, and a Senate committee. "I know I am risking my life bringing you this secret information, but I believe it's the right thing to do. We need to enact socialism and confiscate all wealth immediately!"
"Wooo hoooo! Yay for whistleblowers!" said the media with one voice. "Seize the means of production! Bring down the bourgeoisie! Except for us!"
Experts agree that while ending free markets seems like a bad idea, the fact that a whistleblower is now calling for it makes it seem like a good idea since whistleblowers are so heroic and stuff.
"We thank this brave whistleblower for coming forward," said Biden to his nose hair trimmer he mistook for a TV camera. "I guess we gotta do socialism now."
Socialist authorities are urging more fearless whistleblowers to come forward and call for the end of capitalism.
In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.