Winning: Trump Signs Executive Order Preventing Release Of New Twilight Book

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump has been praised by Americans on both sides of the aisle after signing an executive order preemptively banning the upcoming book in the Twilight series, Midnight Sun.

"Not on my watch," Trump said as he signed the order. "We're making America great again, and a great America can't go back to the Obama years of unregulated Twilight media pouring into the country."

Under Obama, a flood of Twilight movies was released. The former president was widely criticized for allowing the series to grow popular unchecked, though many pointed out that it was a problem he'd inherited from the Bush presidency.

As part of the order, Trump had Stephenie Meyer deported for "treason and seditious acts." "But I'm an American citizen!" she cried as ICE agents threw her over Trump's mighty wall.

"Don't care," Trump said, shrugging. "You try to release a Twilight book in America, you're a terrorist. Plain and simple."

Trump's approval rating immediately skyrocketed to an unprecedented 98%.

Breaking: PayPal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.

There are 3 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.