COLUMBUS, OH—Bernie Kirkpatrick walked into the state comptroller’s office riding high. The 23 year-old congressional budget liaison intern had correctly picked 13 of the final 16 teams in the NCAA Tournament. “I’m leading the office by 30 points, and I’m ranked at 93% on ESPN. I thought Monday morning would be great.”
But that was before Governor Kasich arrived.
“I’ve known John for six months,” relayed a visibly frustrated Kirkpatrick. “From what I’ve heard, he’s always been a big numbers guy, so I was really surprised when he started talking trash about how he was going to win the pool, where he would put the trophy, and how sweet the winning t-shirt would look under his blazer.”
“I mean the guy doesn’t have any teams left!” he continued. “It’s mathematically impossible for him to win. And yet, all he could talk about was the half-court shot from Northern Iowa and how he totally nailed that pick. I was like, you do know they choked in the next game, right?”
Despite the urging from several senior staff members to “get back to leading the great state of Ohio,” Kasich insists he’ll be glued to the television for the next two weekends. “I’m not going anywhere!” a jubilant Kasich declared. “I’m still confident I can take this whole thing. With the way Kentucky is playing, I really like my chances.”
When pressed about Kentucky’s loss in the second round and whether or not he was getting all the mobile updates to his phone, Kasich sternly reiterated that he preferred to get his news exclusively from the mailman.