Sports
With Professional Sports Canceled, Jordan Peterson To Host First Televised Lobster Fights

TORONTO—With fans across the country mourning the loss of their baseball, basketball, and football games, Jordan Peterson has stepped up to feed our sports cravings with the world's first televised lobster fights. 

The LFL, or Lobster Fight League, will be available on pay-per-view and feature the world's most formidable lobster specimens as they compete for dominance by slowly pawing at each other in an MMA ring. 

"This will be a perfect opportunity for our distant ancestors to display their competence," said Peterson in an interview. "I trust this will be a bloody phenomenal event where we will get to witness these non-empathic and non-social creatures compete for dominance for our viewing pleasure. Viewers will likely get a nice shot of serotonin from watching it, just as the lobsters do from winning!"

Each match is expected to take about 6 hours, but sports fans say they will gladly take it over anything going on in the NBA and NFL right now. Fans will even be given the opportunity to fill out their hierarchy brackets and place bets ahead of time.

The first event already has millions of pre-sales, with fans excited to watch a show where the contestants "just play the game" and don't take a knee during the national anthem.

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