PORTLAND, OR—A breaking news report indicated Friday that local woman Cindy Bryer made it home from the store alive while wearing a "Make America Great Again" ballcap.
Incredulous reporters arrived on the scene to confirm the outlandish news, but it seemed to be true. Bryer didn't have a scratch on her and clearly had been wearing the MAGA hat all day long. She wasn't accosted, insulted, beaten, or killed. She just walked to the store and walked back in broad daylight---in Portland.
"Sometimes, this stuff happens, sadly," a CNN reporter said. "You can't get them all. Once in a while, they slip through the cracks. But don't worry, Cindy: we'll dox you to make sure you get your due."
Bryer had gone into a witness protection program for her own safety at publishing time.
Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee
After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.