RUSSIA—In a bid to reach more Americans and the few other countries with relatively low interest in the World Cup, FIFA officials announced today that all future matches will include Mario Kart-style power-ups scattered about the pitch.
Players will not only have to attempt to score an actual goal at some point during the full 90 minutes they have to do something interesting, but will also be forced to dodge red and green shells, banana peels, Bob-ombs, and the dreaded blue shell. Players will be able to grab the power-ups from shiny rotating cubes placed across the field, while power-up referees will run onto the field and replace power-ups at regular intervals.
“We’re well aware that soccer games are mostly just running around while no one scores any goals,” an American FIFA representative said. “So we’re hoping the addition of potentially deadly power-ups like lightning bolts, Super Stars, and mind-altering speed mushrooms will make the games much more watchable for an American audience with the attention span of a second grader.”
The first test match played with the new Mario Kart items had several actual injuries, a goal being totally burned to the ground with a Fire Flower power-up, three players eaten by a piranha plant, and multiple goals scored, making it the most exciting soccer game to be played in many years, according to officials.
At publishing time, a FIFA spokesperson had confirmed the World Cup finals will be played on Rainbow Road.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.