NASHVILLE, TN—In an intense runoff vote this week, the Southern Baptist Convention has elected a new, relatively unheard-of write-in candidate, Seth Moore, to be their new president.
“Oh, what’s this? It seems, um, it seems that a last-minute, write-in candidate is our winner. Everyone, I hereby announce Seth Moore as our new SBC President,” said former President J.D. Greear. “Let’s all give it up for Seth Moore of Texas, everyone!”
“Good thing I’m not a woman, right guys?!” joked Seth Moore walking on stage and accepting his new position. “I’m a big fan of Timothy 2:12. Can I get an amen? Favorite verse for sure. Anyway, well good evening all of you beautiful, precious women of God- I mean tough, manly, male Pastors- I want to thank you all for voting for me.”
Pastor Moore continued to give a brief speech about how he was looking forward to making some changes to the SBC. “We’ll definitely be taking a look at little things like who can and can’t be ordained to preach, trying out a little critical race theory, and how it’s time for us men to start making casseroles every now and then too.”
“Hey, don’t I recognize you from somewhere?” said Pastor Greenwell of First Baptist Florida. “You look really familiar.”
“Who me? Well, I’m definitely not the best-selling author of Chasing Vines, Breaking Free, or Delivered if that’s what you're asking,” replied Seth Moore laughing nervously. “But hey enough talk about that -- let’s talk about repenting of our whiteness!”
Pastor Seth Moore wanted to stay and discuss his plans for the SBC longer, but he had to leave early after his mustache started falling off.