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Years-Long, Multimillion-Dollar Nomination Process Narrows Field Down To Four Worst People On Planet

U.S.—Political parties are passionate about making sure they nominate just the right candidate to lead our country. That's why the nomination process takes so long and costs so much money.

Well, it's all finally paying off. After three years of grueling campaigning and hundreds of millions of dollars spent in the Democratic primaries, the DNC has narrowed the field down to the four worst people on the planet.

"It's important to send America our best," said DNC chair Tom Perez. "So, we're proud to present the nation with the finest candidates we could come up with: a confused old man, a lying old woman, a billionaire who's somehow worse than Trump, and last but not least, a communist."

"Choose wisely," he added. "There's a lot to hate about all of them, so consider all their many, many downsides before you cast your vote."

Political commentators have praised the DNC's intensive process for doing such a good job of somehow picking the very worst people every time.

"It's really quite remarkable," said one pundit. "You'd think with so much at stake, they could drum up someone with at least one redeeming quality, but nope. Just the absolute worst people, every four years."

"Really, they could pick a random U.S. citizen and you could almost guarantee they'd be way, way better."

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