Politics
'You Can Reopen Now!' Governor Newsom Shouts At Row Of Abandoned, Dilapidated Buildings

LOS ANGELES, CA—In a stunning reversal of almost a full year of devastating lockdowns that decimated California businesses, California Governor Gavin Newsom has decided to reverse them all and finally allow businesses to get back to work.

He was last seen shouting at a row of abandoned businesses, telling them it was time to reopen.

"I'm not sure why everyone left," said Newsom, hanging his head. "We followed the dictates of SCIENCE and saved billions of lives. Everyone should be thanking me!" 

When asked if Newsom's sudden and drastic reversal of lockdowns had anything to do with his declining popularity and efforts to recall him as Governor, he dismissed the accusations as "absurd." 

"This has nothing to do with politics," said the politician. "This is what SCIENCE told me to do! I'm serious-- SCIENCE was standing at the foot of my bed last night and clearly told me it was time to end the lockdowns! I mean-- it took me a while to understand him because he was speaking a mixture of ancient Latin and Sumerian in 12 different voices, but once I finally translated SCIENCE's message, I knew it was time to open businesses in California once again!"

"Hey, all you little people with your quaint little businesses! You can reopen now!" said Newsom to a deserted and dilapidated row of storefronts in L.A. "Hey-- where is everybody? Why isn't everyone celebrating?" 

Unbeknownst to him, everyone had already left to live in Texas.

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