WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an emotional plea before Congress today, Ukrainian president Zelensky made a common-sense request for America to institute a no-fly zone and start WWIII.
"Please," said Zelensky through a translator. "This shouldn't be that hard. All I'm asking for is for an all-out war between the nuclear powers of Russia, America, and China. It's that easy! What's there to even think about here?"
According to sources, most members of Congress weren't entirely convinced until Zelensky whipped out his guitar and sang a lovely Ukrainian ballad, causing the many of the politicians in the room to squeal and swoon with delight.
As the lovely song sung by the dreamy Ukrainian leader progressed, Nancy Pelosi began chanting "WORLD WAR THREE! WORLD WAR THREE!" The chant spread throughout the room as the rest of Congress began pumping their fists and shouting "WORLD WAR THREE! WORLD WAR THREE! WORLD WAR THREE!"
Witnesses reported that a gaggle of lobbyists from Lockheed Martin and General Dynamics were later seen high-fiving in the back of the room.
The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don't like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of "We Don't Talk About Bruno"!